A Song for My Heart

(*CAUTION* DOOM and GLOOM ahead)

This is one of those days that I wish I knew how to play the piano... and I mean knew how to REALLY play. To pour my heart and soul out into the music; to let the notes say what I can scarcely say myself; to disappear into a world of harmony and chords where all the troubles in my little world aren't allowed to follow; to write a song for my heart.

I feel confused, listless, worthless, and more than a little weepy. In one word: depressed. Not the 'I feel like jumping off a bridge cuz my life is so horrible' depressed; I'm just moody and sorrowful.

I can't focus on anything; my thoughts are scattered from here to Manitoba and caught in all the alleyways, nooks, and crannies in between. But I suppose it's only natural. After all, I'm depressed (and cynical as always it seems *sighs bleakly*).

My great-grandma is dying...Mama's not going to be able to go to CO for the weekend...I'm falling farther and farther behind in school...Spring training for volleyball is eating up more than just a little of my time...I have two major essays and a Spanish project due soon that I've barely started on...I go to bed early but always wake up tired...My life seems to be falling apart before my very eyes...I choke on the tears that I can never seem to cry...

I'm alone.

I think I understand how the Psalmist felt when he cried, "Why do You stand afar off, O LORD? / Why do You hide in times of trouble?" (Ps. 10:1).

And yet, somehow, HE is here, no matter how very far away He seems to be...

1 How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and hear me, O LORD my God;
Enlighten my eyes,
Lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4 Lest my enemy say,
“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

5 But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me. (--Psalm 13)

I guess that there is a song for my heart...

I may still be in the stuck in the first two verses (and may be stuck there for a while), but the Psalm doesn't end with despair; it ends with hope.

There will be a dawn...

I just don't know when.